One of my best friends is hysterical. He makes me laugh until I cry. He's also big on cooking from scratch and anyone who knows me knows that I do not. If there are more than 4 cans involved, I will usually get take out.
I'm hosting Thanksgiving this year in my new house. Eric is helping me cook and by helping me, I buy the groceries and he will do the cooking. So, glasses up everyone and toast the fat bastard pilgrims without whom, we wouldn't be gorging on food to the point of illness and without whom I wouldn't get the chance to share this gem from Eric sent to me as my shopping list before the festivities. So enjoy everybody!!
Turkey (16 to 20 lb)
This is easy. It comes in a bag very a la Sue Thanksgiving style. Buy fresh not frozen. The microwave on defrost will do a very inadequate job thawing a turkey on the BIG DAY.
Green bean casserole
The Canned Everything aisle has all the delightful ingredients to make this Thanksgiving dish remember-able. Drink heavily and you will not notice the taste.
Sweet potato slices. Thanks Paula Dean for this wonderful Thanksgiving side. Only Paula could kill the nutritional benefits of this lovely root vegetable. How you may ask? Dredge each slice liberally in butter and bake them in their butter juices until golden brown. I know what you are saying, " if I spray Pam on it will that work? I thing I can make this a healthier option for my dinner table that way." To that I say FUCK NO! Do you think the Pilgrims had Pam? Well maybe one Pilgrim did and if she sprayed it surely wasn't to enhance dinner. These Pilgrims risked their lives for us and you want to cheapen their sacrifice by spraying fucking Pam on vegetables? What are you a Communist? I'm sure that shit flies in China but not here sweetheart!
-Salt and pepper
-Eric has it UNDER CONTROL!
-in a can (preferably from Trader Joe's their corn is the sweetest. Right out of the Mills Country Kitchen, ubber opening a can is right up your alley. Heat and serve.
Stuffing (sausage/cranberry). This delightful dish is made from scratch lovingly using all fresh ingredients. It is completley acceptable to make this ahead the night before and keep refrigerated until the next day. Add chicken stock the following day and Voila it is ready to go either in the bird or in a pan. Quick tip: we have found that a healthy dose of a lovely Chardonnay (consumed by the chef) make the flavorings of this dish pop! Magic? We do not know but it works!
-Loaf of whole wheat bread
-oregano, thyme, basil, rosemary
-salt and pepper
Cranberry sauce. This is a Thanksgiving classic that knocks those shitty gelatinous can versions. The can versions are only good for slightly retarded individuals who prefer to have a slice line so they can portion control. To this we say, buck it up fucker and be thankful you have food. Take the extra 10 minutes you lazy turd and make this dish from scratch. For Christ sake do it for the fucking Pilgrims!!!
-bag of fresh cranberries
Cheese board. Yet again another lovely appetizer a la Sue. This requires opening a package of crackers, and a lovely cranberry crusted goat cheese, smoked jalapeno cheddar and brie en croute (brie wrapped in puff pastry). For the lazy dumb asses out there you can look for puff pastry in the freezer aisle. If that is too much of a safari expedition just grab some Pillsbury dough in a pop can and use that shit. Again that is only if you hate the Pilgrims and what they did for us. If it wasn't for them we could be eating bangers and mash Thursday!!! Truly exquisite chefs from the Homosesuality Villaje make their own puff pastry. Watch and be amazed!
Pumpkin pie. By this point and time we are rip shit drunk and should not be handling sharp things or trying to roll things out. Rolling pins are not stable to lean on when you are using them for balance! It is just dessert so who gives a fuck. It is OK to be drunk on Thanksgiving. It honors the Pilgrims who would have had an easier time dealing with life's travails if they could go buy a fifth at CVS like we can! Is CVS open Thanksgiving day? If not plan ahead!
-canned pumpkin (gasp)
-follow label on can for other ingredients
-either we can make our own crusts or buy the shit
Cherry cha cha
-lotsa canned stuff and a mixer.
-who the fuck cares at this point?
-Wednesday night we drink Wine
-Thursday morning we drink Champagne!!!
-Thursday mid-day we still drink CHAMPAGNE!!! and some wine
-During dinner hydrate with water (do it for the Pilgrims) and more wine
-After dinner with dessert we drink coffee that we have dumped Kahlua or Frangelico in!