Monday, December 29, 2008

Christmas years gone by

True story.  It's May, I'm on the phone with a friend of mine who happens to be a fireman.   We're chatting and my dog walks by.

Me:  My dog just walked by the tree.

Friend:  What tree?

Me:  Jesus, I hope she doesn't fart.  That thing will go up in flames.

Friend:  What tree?

Me:  Although if there aren't any needles anymore, what's to burn?


Friend:  Do you mean your Christmas tree from last year?

Me:  Ummm....yea.

Friend:  I think I'm obligated by law to come and remove that fire hazard.

10:00pm:  Under cover of dark, dragged tree to dumpster.  The next morning as I was walking out the apartment thought, "hmmm.....probably should have gone back over it with a broom as there is definitely a trail from my front door to the dumpster.  Oh well.  At least the dog can now fart without fear of blowing up."

Was totally offended when the office had a pool the following Christmas on the month I take down the tree.  If you had April, come see me for your prize.

Bah humbug

So, am I the only one who hates Christmas?  First of all, I hate all people.  With the exception of my kids and a few friends, I could basically have the rest of the masses thrown into the abyss of space and I'd wave goodbye with glee.   (Seeeeeya....wouldn't want to beeeeeeyaaaaaaa)  So you can imagine my joy having to shop in great crowds.  (Also the reason why I hate hate hate clothes shopping)  I overbuy because I'm kind of an all or nothing kind of gal and basically after 20 minutes I'm ready to kill everyone in my vicinity for just existing.  That's when it's good to sit and have a coffee.  (Because caffeine was what was missing...oh yea)  Add something sugary and I'm ready for another whole 10 minutes of battling the crowds in my quest to find that one gift that will bring a small amount of happiness to my life.

Then January comes and here comes the hangover.  Credit card statements.  Now how the hell did I spend THAT much money!?  I HATE to shop!  Dammit.  And I love taking down all the Christmas decorations when wouldn't you know it, my kids magically disappear because they're busy with homework, getting together with friends, sleeping and eating.  Dammit.

It is a relief when it's over, everything is put away and you feel the pressure off.  Until some moron says "only 340 days until Christmas".  It takes every ounce of my power to keep from hitting said person in the throat.  This is probably also the same asshole that shops for Christmas in July.

Anyone got a rocket launcher?