Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Once Upon A Long Time Ago

He was about 8 years old.  He sat on the toilet for what seemed an eternity.  I'm in the living room talking to my girlfriend who lived next door.

Boy:  (yelling) "MOOOMMMM!!!  Bring me some juice!!!!"

Me: "Whaaaaaaaaaat?  Juice?  You're going potty."

Boy:  "I can't go poop!!  Justin says if you drink juice, it'll help you go poop."

Me:  "Boy!  It doesn't work like have to dr........"  Boy:  "Never mind mom!!   I think I got it!!"

Turn to girlfriend, mouth open to say something about the conversation to see her head down on the table, shoulders shaking from laughing.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Crazy Ass Neighbor

I have a crazy ass neighbor.  I enjoy the free mowing of the yard, since I didn't ask him to do that, the free trimming of my overgrown bushes, since I didn't ask him to do that, but trimming my overgrown trees in my backyard that go over your fence by approximately 1 inch and then throwing all the cuttings into my back yard?  Not enjoying that.  Freak.

Thursday, May 13, 2010


Now why the hell did DUI ads show up in my google ad bar after my last post?  Google is weird.  It's like they're trying to confuse and piss me off.

Jesus Christ I'm bad at this

But I do promise to TRY and improve.  I'm going to write some random thoughts I've had recently:

Why do I get upset if someone makes a comment about something I wrote and they get all offensivey?  I can't tell you how many times I had to retype what I wrote because the claws instantly came out and I wanted to snark all over their ass.

I think I have anger issues.

I think my memory is starting to go.  Along with my hormones.  According to the doctor, my hormones are normal.  Really?  Then why do I have this strong instinctive feeling to rip your head off and replace it with a barbie head.

I think I have anger issues.

I really love my rescue dog.  He's so great.  I love watching him walk in a U turn when he wags his tail really hard because he's happy I'm home.  My ex never did that.  That's a bonus with getting a dog over a boyfriend.

I think my dog helps my anger issues.

I wasn't talking about comments on this blog because I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who reads this site.

I really need to take the time to snaz this site up a bit.  It needs a little sump'n.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

My shopping list for Thanksgiving dinner a la Eric

One of my best friends is hysterical.  He makes me laugh until I cry.  He's also big on cooking from scratch and anyone who knows me knows that I do not.  If there are more than 4 cans involved, I will usually get take out.

I'm hosting Thanksgiving this year in my new house.  Eric is helping me cook and by helping me, I buy the groceries and he will do the cooking.  So, glasses up everyone and toast the fat bastard pilgrims without whom, we wouldn't be gorging on food to the point of illness and without whom I wouldn't get the chance to share this gem from Eric sent to me as my shopping list before the festivities.  So enjoy everybody!!

Turkey (16 to 20 lb) 
This is easy.  It comes in a bag very a la Sue Thanksgiving style.  Buy fresh not frozen.  The microwave on defrost will do a very inadequate job thawing a turkey on the BIG DAY.

Green bean casserole
The Canned Everything aisle has all the delightful ingredients to make this Thanksgiving dish remember-able. Drink heavily and you will not notice the taste.

Sweet potato slices.  Thanks Paula Dean for this wonderful Thanksgiving side.  Only Paula could kill the nutritional benefits of this lovely root vegetable.  How you may ask?  Dredge each slice liberally in butter and bake them in their butter juices until golden brown.  I know what you are saying, " if I spray Pam on it will that work?  I thing I can make this a healthier option for my dinner table that way."  To that I say FUCK NO!  Do you think the Pilgrims had Pam?  Well maybe one Pilgrim did and if she sprayed it surely wasn't to enhance dinner.  These Pilgrims risked their lives for us and you want to cheapen their sacrifice by spraying fucking Pam on vegetables?  What are you a Communist?  I'm sure that shit flies in China but not here sweetheart!
-Garnet Yams
-Salt and pepper

Crab dish
-Eric has it UNDER CONTROL!

Vegetable (corn)
-in a can (preferably from Trader Joe's their corn is the sweetest.  Right out of the Mills Country Kitchen, ubber opening a can is right up your alley.  Heat and serve.

Stuffing (sausage/cranberry).  This delightful dish is made from scratch lovingly using all fresh ingredients.  It is completley acceptable to make this ahead the night before and keep refrigerated until the next day.  Add chicken stock the following day and Voila it is ready to go either in the bird or in a pan.  Quick tip:  we have found that a healthy dose of a lovely Chardonnay (consumed by the chef) make the flavorings of this dish pop!  Magic?  We do not know but it works!
-Loaf of whole wheat bread
-italian sausage
-dried cranberries
-oregano, thyme, basil, rosemary
-salt and pepper
-Chicken stock

Cranberry sauce.  This is a Thanksgiving classic that knocks those shitty gelatinous can versions.  The can versions are only good for slightly retarded individuals who prefer to have a slice line so they can portion control.  To this we say, buck it up fucker and be thankful you have food.  Take the extra 10 minutes you lazy turd and make this dish from scratch.  For Christ sake do it for the fucking Pilgrims!!!
-bag of fresh cranberries
-orange juice
-orange zest

Cheese board.  Yet again another lovely appetizer a la Sue.  This requires opening a package of crackers, and a lovely cranberry crusted goat cheese, smoked jalapeno cheddar and brie en croute (brie wrapped in puff pastry).   For the lazy dumb asses out there you can look for puff pastry in the freezer aisle.  If that is too much of a safari expedition just grab some Pillsbury dough in a pop can and use that shit.  Again that is only if you hate the Pilgrims and what they did for us.  If it wasn't for them we could be eating bangers and mash Thursday!!!  Truly exquisite chefs from the Homosesuality Villaje make their own puff pastry.  Watch and be amazed!

Pumpkin pie.  By this point and time we are rip shit drunk and should not be handling sharp things or trying to roll things out.  Rolling pins are not stable to lean on when you are using them for balance!  It is just dessert so who gives a fuck.   It is OK to be drunk on Thanksgiving.  It honors the Pilgrims who would have had an easier time dealing with life's travails if they could go buy a fifth at CVS like we can!  Is CVS open Thanksgiving day?  If not plan ahead!
-canned pumpkin (gasp)
-follow label on can for other ingredients
-either we can make our own crusts or buy the shit

Cherry cha cha
-lotsa canned stuff and a mixer.

Chocolate cream
-who the fuck cares at this point?

-Wednesday night we drink Wine
-Thursday morning we drink Champagne!!!
-Thursday mid-day we still drink CHAMPAGNE!!! and some wine
-During dinner hydrate with water (do it for the Pilgrims) and more wine
-After dinner with dessert we drink coffee that we have dumped Kahlua or Frangelico in!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Help Anissa's family

Anissa Mayhew suffered a stroke yesterday.  She is a blogger, wife and mommy.  Help her family if you can.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Prop 8

Yes, I know it's late.  The election is over and Prop 8 passed.  There are reasons why I didn't post about this awful hate-filled prop.  (If you voted yes on Prop 8 - get the fuck off my web-site.  You make baby Jesus cry.)

I'm one of the people who stood on corners with NO on PROP 8 signs,  NO on PROP 8 bumper stickers all over my car, called voters to discuss the prop and try to persuade them to vote no, went to rallies and marched when we lost.  I saw people cry and hug their partner.  I witnessed people who married in the "allowed time-frame" look with such sadness at the people who did not and know that for now, they will not have the same equal rights.  I saw friends on both sides of religion become distant and drift apart because of that one prop.  That proposition did more than just discriminate against a group of people, it divided a state.

I honestly did not think this prop would pass.  I honestly believed that legalized discrimination was wrong and clearly people could see that.  I had no idea the amount of ignorance out there and how people could use the bible to justify their hate.

There was another group who held the bible up while justifying their hideous crimes.  The Salem Witch trials.  Looking back now we can't imagine the horror of burning people at the stake because they were a "witch" all while holding a bible.  Apparently, we have learned nothing.  Now we point fingers at somebody who is different than us and say you can't have the same rights as me, all while holding the bible.

Imagine I started a new religion.  It's called the religion of Motherofthemonth.  (This is my web-site so I can call it whatever I want.  Pfffffbbbbbbttttt)  This religion really takes off.  I even have a book!  It's called the "mible".  In the mible, it states that marriage can only be between a man and a man.  A marriage between a man and a woman is blasphemy.  Now, hypothetically speaking, I am a woman of great means.  I have more money than Bill Gates.  (This is reeeeeally hypothetical.)  So I decide to buy legislation and put a prop on the ballot with confusing literature and "opposite day" mentality.  If you vote yes on the prop, you are legalizing discrimination.  Everyone would look at me like I had lost my fucking mind.  And yet here we are.

Now if my memory serves me right, from the little amount of history class I managed to not sleep through, one of the reasons our ancestors came to this great nation was to avoid religious persecution.  Freedom of Religion.  We loved it so much we even wrote it into the Bill of Rights.  Yet, if somebody does not believe in the majority of the population that subscribes to a certain way of thought, they're being pushed down.  Over-ruled and persecuted.  Exactly what we were originally trying to escape.

All during the campaign we were told to be nice.  Talk and don't shout.  Don't give them another reason to hate us.  I did that.  I was polite when so called "christians" yelled "SINNER!" while flipping me the finger.  (It just drips with irony, doesn't it?)  I saw bible-thumpers glare, yell, gesture all while I tried to take the higher road and not stoop to that level.  I probably bit my tongue more during that period than I have my entire life.

Well, the election is over and I'm pissed.  No more Ms Nice Girl.  To all you haters out there who feel it is your duty to dictate how others can live their life, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU.  How the hell does someone else's happiness affect your life?  Are you so miserable in your own life that you don't want anyone else to be happy?  Have gays come and fucked each other in the ass in front of you and now you're scarred for life?  Since when is, what you believe, your version of religion the only religion allowed and should be written into law?  In other words, where the fuck do you get off?!

I had a conversation with someone who said they didn't believe in gay marriage.  That's fine.  We're not asking you to change your beliefs.  I don't care if you believe in unicorns either but don't write into law how everyone has to think the way you do.  If you don't believe in gay marriage, I suggest you don't marry someone of the same sex.  But Brent and Eric who live down the street have just as much right to share their lives together as you do.  As my ex once said, "they should have the same right to be as miserable as the rest of us".  I didn't know quite how to respond to that but bravo.

This is a civil issue, plain and simple. defines discrimination as follows:

an act or instance of discriminating.
treatment or consideration of, or making a distinction in favor of or against, a person or thing based on the group, class, or category to which that person or thing belongs rather than on individual merit: racial and religious intolerance and discrimination.
the power of making fine distinctions; discriminating judgment: She chose the colors with great discrimination.
Archaicsomething that serves to differentiate.

One group of people have a set group of rights while another does not.  The treatment of a class of people based on religious intolerance.  Prop 8 is legalized discrimination and nobody can argue against that without sounding like an idiot.

I know one day we'll look back at this time in history and think, what do you mean homosexuals couldn't marry?  Just like we now say, what do you mean women didn't have the right to vote?  What do you mean blacks were considered 2/3 a person?  What do you mean blacks and whites couldn't marry?  Same shit, different decade.

I won't even get into the whole separation of church and state because to me, that is such a no-brainer.  Or how the economy will be boosted with weddings, anniversaries  and sad but true, divorces.  I guess California has enough money already so we shouldn't be thinking about ways to bring in additional revenue since apparently we're rolling in the dough.  Isn't that right Arnold?

I could write so much more about this subject but this post is long enough and personally, I feel spent. Writing this has brought up emotions and feelings I felt before that were not positive but made me feel rather ill and incredibly sad.  I know like a bad burrito, this too shall pass.  We'll look back one day and think how far we've come.  I should feel excited being on the forefront of the "movement" but I don't.  I feel sick that we allowed this to happen.  We said yes to pushing a class of people down to settle our own insecurities.  We said yes to hurting other people who affect us in no way, shape or form.  We said yes to hate.

I have often said there are times when I'm ashamed to be part of this species.  This species that has an incredible capacity for love.  I have seen this species do things that are absolutely touching and beyond comprehension.   The wherewith all to know right from wrong.  Or so I thought.